Just another day (and night) in the life...

Another night spent alone in my apartment contemplating life. Things in my head have been really up and down lately. I was in a really bad way last week, and this week I’ve been slowly trying to pick up the pieces. Needless to say, it’s been really rough going. I came to realize that while I’m popular in the sense that people generally like me, I’m not in the sense that people don’t necessarily want me around. I don’t get invited to events, I don’t get called up just to hang out. I’m just kind of in the background, there if needed, ignored if not. Not to say that popularity is everything, but I think everyone has an innate desire to feel wanted, or at the very least appreciated.

I admit, I have abandonment issues. Sometimes it feels like people string me along because they feel sorry for me, or like it’s some kind of obligation. I get invited places and then left to fend for myself. It really makes me feel like I’m a burden on my friends’ lives, or like I’m a toy that’s there to be played with and then left on the floor, and it’s not a feeling I like. I’m probably just blowing things out of proportion in my head, but I can’t help what my life has made me. I’ve been trying to get over this, to change this wiring in my brain that results in panic attacks followed by a feeling of loneliness so deep that it makes me wish I could cry to at least have some sort of release.

For now, all I can do is try to endure it. Every day, the lock I wear around my neck feels heavier. Every time a panic attack leaves me collapsed on the floor with my sides on fire, all I can do is claw my way back up to my feet and press on. Every night that I lie awake wondering whether or not I want to wake up the next morning, I decide to hope that tomorrow will be better. It’s funny, because so many people come to me for help, asking for advice in dealing with relationships and whatnot. But every night as I’m sitting in my apartment, staring at the ceiling wishing I had someone to spend time with or talk to, I sometimes laugh to myself how all these people are so stressed out over their relationships but don’t actually realize how lucky they are to have them.

I’ll close this entry with a quote by Joseph Conrad from his book Under Western Eyes:

“Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.”

Up up and away

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Things have been moving all over the place. Between school starting up, preparing for my medical school entrance exam, and stuff in my personal life, I’ve been fairly scatterbrained lately. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I need to just stop what I’m doing and take a step back in order to let the dust settle. Like my mind’s a snow globe that someone’s just shaken up.

I’ll start with the professional stuff. School’s just started up and I’ve been working on my graduate research project. Between that, being overloaded on classes because I need to take prerequisites for medical school, and getting ready for my exam, I’m on the brink of pulling my hair out most of the time. Only thing that keeps me sane is remembering why I’m putting myself through all this. I’m doing it to fulfill a dream and to become what I know I can be. I’ve finally gotten a second chance at this, and I’m doing everything I can not to waste it. It may be taking a heavy toll on me, but to me, it’s worth it.

Speaking of things taking a toll, my personal life is so topsy-turvy right now that I don’t know what to make of it. It’s really got me going out of my mind. Things seem to be going well, but that little voice in the back of my head is waiting for the penny to drop. Meanwhile, I can’t even buy advice from the people I confide in, with more than one actually enjoying the situation, saying that no matter the outcome, it’ll at least be fun for them. It’s got me wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. As resolute as I am in what I’m doing with my professional life, I’m equally baffled with my personal life. The one thing I will say though, is that she believes in me. That’s so huge for me right now that words can’t even begin to describe it. She’s stuck with me through thick and thin, and that’s something I can never being to repay. It just reinforces in my mind why I’m in love with her. That she’s willing to accept me for my weaknesses and my strengths, it makes me feel free. And I’m willing to accept her for all of her strengths and weaknesses too. After all, if I can’t handle being with her at her worst, then I don’t deserve to be with her at her best.

And yet, that nagging feeling in the back of my head just keeps waiting for that damned penny to drop. I feel like I’m all in, all my chips on the table, waiting for the opposing player to flip his cards. I’m fully committed, professionally and personally. It seems like there’s no turning back, not that I really have anything to turn back to. The best I can do for now is to believe in myself and to believe in her, and believe that things will turn out for the best. I’m hanging onto my balloon, too low to be where I want to be, but too high to let go and fall safely. It’s that feeling that this coming year will make or break me. Here’s hoping that if I break I’ll be able to pick up the pieces.

As is tradition, I’ll close this entry with a quote. It was one that I found on a friend’s facebook page, and upon reading it, it seemed rather poignant:

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one.”

-Douglas Coupland

Questions

A lot of thinking lately. Mostly to gain some perspective on things. It’s funny how more often than not, we go into these bouts of thought with questions we are trying to answer, but in the end we end up with more questions, and more questions, and yet somehow, these questions give us the answers we’re looking for. Granted, in the end, we’re still left with more questions than answers, but we reach a point of contemplative clarity, as though the very act of asking ourselves these questions allows for a perfect understanding of the reasons behind asking the questions, the reason why the questions exist in the first place.

I’ve found that the most important questions we can ask are the ones that are right in front of our faces, hidden in plain sight. The main reasons why we don’t ask these questions is because we either don’t see them, or we’re afraid to ask them. Usually, we don’t see the questions because we’re so busy turning our lives upside down looking for answers to other questions that we miss the obvious ones right in front of our noses. When we do see the questions from the beginning, or when we finally take a step back, slow down, and notice them, we’re often afraid to ask them. Whether it’s because we already know the answer to them or because we’re afraid of what the answer might be, these simple questions that seem to have all the insight in the world go unasked.

We often become comfortable with our perceived positions in life, comfortable with what we believe to be true, comfortable with our own little worlds. These questions, once answered, are typically accompanied by large and dramatic paradigm shifts that can end up changing our lives, for better or worse, but always much more violently than we are comfortable with. It takes no small amount of courage, desperation, or exasperation to make us ask these questions, but once we do, there is no turning back. Just as the popular saying states that one cannot “un-see” something, one cannot “un-realize” things either. Of course, once the deed is done, we have to live with the consequences. The world beings and ends with you, not so much in the sense that you are the center of the universe, but more in the sense that you can’t control the thoughts and actions of others around you, so all you have is your decisions and actions, your own reasons behind them, and their consequences.

For a long time I have touted the value of “looking underneath the underneath”. It’s a philosophy that I’ve tried to live by in order to understand the people and the world around me. But I have to admit that it has caused me to miss things hidden in plain sight and that I’ve done my share of spinning my wheels looking for answers. It’s why I take time every now and then to just step back from life and give things a think, and, if I can find the courage, to ask myself the questions that are staring me in the face – questions that I’m afraid to ask, questions that I’m afraid I know the answers to. However, from my experience, as earth-shattering as the realizations that come out of these sessions can be at times, I never regret pursuing them. This is because the changes that arise as a result are not always bad, and even when they are, they force me to develop myself – to evolve and improve myself to adapt to the resulting paradigm shift.

I close this entry with a quote from one of my favorite sources. It’s a quote that really emphasizes the power and importance of the kinds of questions I’ve talked about.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

It's time...

After a couple days back in Chicago, things start to fall into perspective. The flights weren’t bad at all, and outside of a minor snafu with my luggage, everything went smoothly. I got home and settled in. My cat didn’t recognize me at first, but after a couple hours it was as if I never left. She’s sitting next to me right now. I’m usually able to avoid jet lag by sleeping at just the right time on a long flight, but this time around the people around me were too annoying and I couldn’t get to sleep. So here I sit in my room at 6 in the morning, figured I might as well do an entry.

Looking around and meeting up with old friends and acquaintances, it’s made me realize that going to Australia to study and be on my own was 100% the right choice. I’ve come a long way since I left and I think that I’ve grown a lot. I’ve become more independent, more confident, and I’m really coming into my own both personally and professionally. That being said, I think I’ve still been holding back a bit, trying to save a little part of myself in case things go badly.

Looking at where I am now, it’s time. It’s time to stop holding back, it’s time to take all the safeties off, it’s time to give everything I’ve got and fulfill my potential. I’m already set on a path towards what I want to be doing with my life, and succeed or fail, I won’t be satisfied unless I know that I did absolutely everything in my power to work towards my goals. It’s about time I took control and became the hero in the story of my life.

There are a few pieces to the puzzle when dealing with these kinds of situations. The first piece is knowing what you want. In my case, I think I’ve got that pretty much figured out, although now things have become all the more clear. The second part of this is having the drive, confidence, and patience to go for it, regardless of how long it might take or how difficult it might be. The third piece is knowing when to be selfish and knowing when to sacrifice. My self-esteem has always been my biggest issue. I was always all too willing to sacrifice; feeling like my life was worth less than anything or anyone else. Now, while I’m still more than willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of the people I care about, I think I can be a bit smarter about the sacrifice, not quite giving myself in to it as completely as before. As a result, I’ll be able to take better care of myself and survive longer.

At the end of all this, I’m still essentially the same person – my values haven’t changed. Rather, I think my approach is going to be different. By shedding all the chains that had been weighing me down, I’ll be able to fully utilize every part of myself completely, from my full range of emotions, to the absolute raw power of my mind, and even tapping into my darker natures a bit more. Things are about to get a whole lot more interesting. I'm driven, I've got more than enough ability to get where I want to in life, and most dangerous of all, I know it. We’re getting into a whole new ballgame now, and this time I’m playing for keeps.

Nice

The “nice” people. I’m one of them. It’s not always easy, but there is a sense of pride that comes with it. A while back I was browsing on Reddit and I came across a picture with this written on it:

“A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying. You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably and alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”

Obviously, this was written by a member of our population who let bitterness get the best of him. Our problem is that we care too much. We care about everyone but ourselves. Our sense of self-worth is often diminished, if not non-existent. We don’t know why we do it, and we don’t know how we do it, but we do. We feel alone, but we don’t do anything about it. It’s not that the people around us don’t care; it’s simply that they don’t have to. They can’t see us, and for the most part our existence is usually forgotten. But we’re always there, ready to give or sacrifice at the drop of a hat. Even if it’s something that ultimately hurts us, we do it. That’s just the honor code we follow.

So for all the “nice” people out there, don’t give hope, don’t let yourself get jaded, don’t let yourself get cynical. Keep doing what you’re doing and hope for the best. We may not be appreciated, we may not be noticed, but the world needs people like us. We’re the support that no one notices. We do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences to ourselves, for the sakes of others. Nice people may finish last, but we go down fighting, we make things better, we give up what we want so that others can be happy, we endure pain so others don’t have to. And for all of you who know one of these people, let them know that you appreciate them if you do. You’d be surprised as to how much it can do to help them keep going.

As hypocritical as it may sound, unfortunately time’s running out for me. My body’s giving out, and the light of hope in my soul is dying. My gut tells me that if I continue down this path, eventually I won’t be able to recover. You know what they say though, in for an inch, in for a mile. Things are going to get harder. The damage is going to be more difficult to recover from. The pain is going to be harder to ignore. I may not be able to pick myself up after getting knocked down. I may not get the chance to fulfill my dreams. I may not be able to keep all my promises. And as much as I hate losing, I may not be able to cover all my bets.

I’ll close this entry simply with a quote I found. It was a tattoo on a dead soldier in Iraq.

“For Those I Love, I Will Sacrifice”

Thoughts on a walk

Well, I had an hour and a half long walk tonight/this morning, and since I’m supposed to be up in two hours anyway, I figure I might as well forego sleep and write. It’s really quiet walking home at four in the morning, and it’s really conducive to thinking.

Dreams, hopes, aspirations. People talk about them, plan their lives around them, and do everything they can to realize them. In my mind, with these kinds of things you have three options. 1) You can do everything you can to realize your dream, hope, or aspiration come hell or high water. 2) You can give up on your dream and find another passion to follow. 3) You give up altogether and settle for something less. As far as I’m concerned, option number 3 is unacceptable. A person can never reach their full potential if they aren’t passionate about what they do. Deciding what to do, and what you want to do, you have to have passion behind it. Otherwise you’ll be miserable all the time.

Don’t seek and don’t expect. A friend of mine told me this once, but I never really put all that much thought into it. But since I had the time, I really gave it some deeper thought and broke it down. Don’t seek. Instead of meaning not to go looking for a dream, it means not to go blindly looking. Don’t go looking for something that isn’t there or can’t exists. Rather, know your potential, know your capabilities, know yourself. By doing that, you can find the best way to realize your dreams. Don’t expect. Basically, don’t expect things to go according to plan. Don’t expect to get what you want. Don’t expect life to be easy. It isn’t. You will be tested, there will be pain, it will be difficult. As long as you don’t let your expectations get the best of you, you’ll be able to find the right path to what you want.

For the most part I’ve got a bunch of my hopes and dreams figured out, but some things still elude me. I’ve been referred to a lot of ways. I’ve been called “my guy”, “the guy”, “Mr. dependable”, “Mr. indestructible”, “bro”, among other names. People depend on me, but few if any seem to really care. I’m an implement – an instrument, a weapon, a shield, a toy. I am a machine. When people need me, they call on me for whatever purpose because they know that I can handle just about any situation. Whatever damage I suffer, I can recover from. Whatever difficulties I come up against, I can overcome them. After they’re done, I’m forgotten until the next time I’m needed. Before, this used to depress me, leaving me questioning my self-worth. I felt like it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t around. Now though, it doesn’t affect me so much. I’ve come to accept it as a fact of my life. It’s why I tell people not to apologize to me, that they don’t need to thank me, and not to worry about me, whether they care about me or not. Because in the end, if I’m not around or not needed, I don’t exist.

It’s a bit depressing at times because I hate being single – I’m not good at it. Wanting to have someone to love, wanting to devote myself to someone, that’s not a problem. I just hope someone could feel that way about me before I’m damaged beyond repair. So here I sit, sweaty, exhausted, and my leg shot to all hell and feeling like it’s going to explode. But not for a second do I doubt or question why I do what I do. For every second of agony that I endure, it means that someone else doesn’t have to. For every breath I lose, someone else gains more. It’s a fair if not beneficial trade-off, so very little thought has to go into it. Until I've got someone for whom I need to stop taking all this damage and enduring the pain, I'll keep going on doing what I'm doing. In the story of life, I’m no main character. I’m the guy who does much, achieves much, and then is left to be forgotten in the pages.

I’ll close this entry with some lyrics to a song sung by Frank Sinatra.

“Don’t worry ‘bout me
I’ll get along
Just you forget about me
Be happy, my love

Just say our little show is over
And so the story ends
Why not call it a day, in a sensible way
And we’ll remain friends

Look out, look out for yourself
Should be the rule
You just give your heart and your love
To whomever you love, don’t you be a fool

Baby why stop and cling
To some fading thing that used to be
So if you can forget
Don’t you worry ‘bout me”

A Fresh Start

It's been a while since I last blogged. I felt like my old one had run its course, so instead of continuing on there, I decided to make a new one.

The last couple of months have been hard. I've been awash in questions, trying to make sense of my life. I've gotten some things figured out, but other aspects have me ending up with even more questions than I started with.

Professionally, I've found my passion and I've started on the path to reach my end goals. What seemed impossible before has been opened up, and I finally have a chance of realizing what has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. Needless to say, it won't be easy, but for the first time in a long time, I find myself driven. I want to make this happen come hell or high water, and I won't let it slip away without a fight. To that end, I've applied myself to a degree that I'm fairly surprised at. Hopefully, I'll be able to find the strength to stay the course.

Personally, my life is still a jumble. I'm still sorting things out, figuring out who I am. For the most part, things are better than a few months ago, but it's still just not quite right. It's funny how something can seem so perfect and make so much sense and yet not get a chance to happen. At the same time, I'm at a loss as to what I can do. I'm having a really tough time moving forward, and I'm doing everything I can to avoid reverting to how I used to be. So right now, I just am. Trying to make sense of things that don't make sense just turns me around in circles, but with this eating at me, I can't ignore it. All I can do is go day to day.

We say that we don't mean to hurt each other, but we do, and sometimes continue to do so, knowingly or otherwise. We make our choices because we feel that, at the time the choices are made, that they are the right ones. Thus, there is no such thing as a right or wrong choice, we make the choices we believe are right. Now, that's not to say there isn't such thing as a good or bad. We make our choices, and we have to live with the consequences. For some, the consequences may hit closer to home than others, but there is no such thing as a choice without consequence. It's from the consequences where we find out whether the choices we made were good or bad.

That being said, one should never underestimate the power that a single choice can hold. In my case, before I knew my potential and I knew my talents, but all the talk I did had no backing. Most of this was just me living up everyone else's image of me. All around me people had concluded that I was a wash out, that I wouldn't amount to anything no matter how hard I tried. This was really my own fault. I didn't care that people thought of me that way and just lived up to their expectations, which only further reinforced the image. It was a vicious cycle. But then that one person came along who chose not to see me like that. The one person who believed in me, and believed that I could actually become something. She didn't expect me to be anything but me, and she pushed me to find what I wanted and to go for it. And most importantly of all, she got me to believe in myself. She showed me that I knew what I was capable of and that I needed to fulfill my potential, not just for my sake, but for the sakes of those whose lives I could make better. It was nothing short of magic.

I can only hope that I've had some positive effect on her life. She's never really said much about it, but if I've improved her life even by the tiniest amount, if I've helped her out of some bit of loneliness or sadness, if by making her laugh I could give her a bit of happiness, then I'm glad. There's a lot of things I wish could happen, but as the old saying goes, "wishing don't make it so".

So, at this point, as I move between my desk and my cigarette out on the balcony, I'm left with questions. Questions seemingly without answers, or for which I have yet to find the answer. But, questions lead to choices, and choices lead to consequences. Here's to hoping that I make good choices. I'll close this entry with a quote I found while randomly surfing the net. It's about how simple things, simple choices, can have profound effects that you don't always see.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around" - Leo F. Buscaglia