It’s been a while since I’ve written. Things have been moving all over the place. Between school starting up, preparing for my medical school entrance exam, and stuff in my personal life, I’ve been fairly scatterbrained lately. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I need to just stop what I’m doing and take a step back in order to let the dust settle. Like my mind’s a snow globe that someone’s just shaken up.
I’ll start with the professional stuff. School’s just started up and I’ve been working on my graduate research project. Between that, being overloaded on classes because I need to take prerequisites for medical school, and getting ready for my exam, I’m on the brink of pulling my hair out most of the time. Only thing that keeps me sane is remembering why I’m putting myself through all this. I’m doing it to fulfill a dream and to become what I know I can be. I’ve finally gotten a second chance at this, and I’m doing everything I can not to waste it. It may be taking a heavy toll on me, but to me, it’s worth it.
Speaking of things taking a toll, my personal life is so topsy-turvy right now that I don’t know what to make of it. It’s really got me going out of my mind. Things seem to be going well, but that little voice in the back of my head is waiting for the penny to drop. Meanwhile, I can’t even buy advice from the people I confide in, with more than one actually enjoying the situation, saying that no matter the outcome, it’ll at least be fun for them. It’s got me wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. As resolute as I am in what I’m doing with my professional life, I’m equally baffled with my personal life. The one thing I will say though, is that she believes in me. That’s so huge for me right now that words can’t even begin to describe it. She’s stuck with me through thick and thin, and that’s something I can never being to repay. It just reinforces in my mind why I’m in love with her. That she’s willing to accept me for my weaknesses and my strengths, it makes me feel free. And I’m willing to accept her for all of her strengths and weaknesses too. After all, if I can’t handle being with her at her worst, then I don’t deserve to be with her at her best.
And yet, that nagging feeling in the back of my head just keeps waiting for that damned penny to drop. I feel like I’m all in, all my chips on the table, waiting for the opposing player to flip his cards. I’m fully committed, professionally and personally. It seems like there’s no turning back, not that I really have anything to turn back to. The best I can do for now is to believe in myself and to believe in her, and believe that things will turn out for the best. I’m hanging onto my balloon, too low to be where I want to be, but too high to let go and fall safely. It’s that feeling that this coming year will make or break me. Here’s hoping that if I break I’ll be able to pick up the pieces.
As is tradition, I’ll close this entry with a quote. It was one that I found on a friend’s facebook page, and upon reading it, it seemed rather poignant:
“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one.”
-Douglas Coupland
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