A Fresh Start

It's been a while since I last blogged. I felt like my old one had run its course, so instead of continuing on there, I decided to make a new one.

The last couple of months have been hard. I've been awash in questions, trying to make sense of my life. I've gotten some things figured out, but other aspects have me ending up with even more questions than I started with.

Professionally, I've found my passion and I've started on the path to reach my end goals. What seemed impossible before has been opened up, and I finally have a chance of realizing what has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. Needless to say, it won't be easy, but for the first time in a long time, I find myself driven. I want to make this happen come hell or high water, and I won't let it slip away without a fight. To that end, I've applied myself to a degree that I'm fairly surprised at. Hopefully, I'll be able to find the strength to stay the course.

Personally, my life is still a jumble. I'm still sorting things out, figuring out who I am. For the most part, things are better than a few months ago, but it's still just not quite right. It's funny how something can seem so perfect and make so much sense and yet not get a chance to happen. At the same time, I'm at a loss as to what I can do. I'm having a really tough time moving forward, and I'm doing everything I can to avoid reverting to how I used to be. So right now, I just am. Trying to make sense of things that don't make sense just turns me around in circles, but with this eating at me, I can't ignore it. All I can do is go day to day.

We say that we don't mean to hurt each other, but we do, and sometimes continue to do so, knowingly or otherwise. We make our choices because we feel that, at the time the choices are made, that they are the right ones. Thus, there is no such thing as a right or wrong choice, we make the choices we believe are right. Now, that's not to say there isn't such thing as a good or bad. We make our choices, and we have to live with the consequences. For some, the consequences may hit closer to home than others, but there is no such thing as a choice without consequence. It's from the consequences where we find out whether the choices we made were good or bad.

That being said, one should never underestimate the power that a single choice can hold. In my case, before I knew my potential and I knew my talents, but all the talk I did had no backing. Most of this was just me living up everyone else's image of me. All around me people had concluded that I was a wash out, that I wouldn't amount to anything no matter how hard I tried. This was really my own fault. I didn't care that people thought of me that way and just lived up to their expectations, which only further reinforced the image. It was a vicious cycle. But then that one person came along who chose not to see me like that. The one person who believed in me, and believed that I could actually become something. She didn't expect me to be anything but me, and she pushed me to find what I wanted and to go for it. And most importantly of all, she got me to believe in myself. She showed me that I knew what I was capable of and that I needed to fulfill my potential, not just for my sake, but for the sakes of those whose lives I could make better. It was nothing short of magic.

I can only hope that I've had some positive effect on her life. She's never really said much about it, but if I've improved her life even by the tiniest amount, if I've helped her out of some bit of loneliness or sadness, if by making her laugh I could give her a bit of happiness, then I'm glad. There's a lot of things I wish could happen, but as the old saying goes, "wishing don't make it so".

So, at this point, as I move between my desk and my cigarette out on the balcony, I'm left with questions. Questions seemingly without answers, or for which I have yet to find the answer. But, questions lead to choices, and choices lead to consequences. Here's to hoping that I make good choices. I'll close this entry with a quote I found while randomly surfing the net. It's about how simple things, simple choices, can have profound effects that you don't always see.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around" - Leo F. Buscaglia