The Crucible

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever use this again, but in light of recent events, I needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.

Life is a crucible – constantly melting and burning everything within it. And each time the fires die down, everything inside the crucible takes on a new form, a new shape, a new function. We all go through this crucible called life, and although the fires can seem unbearable and overwhelming, we all come out the other side. We always rise from our own ashes. Everything returns again in its changed form. For most, after a number of times changing shape, changing form, we arrive at a point in which we become stable, immune to the effects of the crucible’s fire. We find ourselves, and as such, find our place, and we no longer need the fires.

However, there are some who by their essential nature are bound to remain formless - those who are completely at the mercy of the fires. As the fires change, so do they, tirelessly rising from the ashes and temporarily taking their place in the crucible for a fleeting moment before beginning to change again. They persist in not being what they seem. These are the ones who are most difficult to understand because they are constantly in the process of changing. A process cannot be understood by stopping it. Understanding must move with the flow of the process, must join it and flow with it. To go from constantly changing form to becoming truly formless is difficult to achieve, and requires quite a bit of luck for one to have such an opportunity.

Just as the world needs people of every form and function, the world needs the formless. The formless possess a broad sense of the world, an interest in everything and nothing, always teetering on the precipice of discovery and disaster. Some believe that such an existence is wasted, that the formless go through unneeded pain, frustration, and hardship, and indeed, they go through it, mostly self-inflicted. However, it is in the pursuit of greater purpose, understanding, and meaning than can be defined or grasped.

I am formless. I am driven by my desire to be someone who can be depended on, someone who can effect change. I am currently studying to be a doctor because I feel that that is where I can make a difference where it counts the most. However, I am not bound by a label. I am not bound by an ideal. I am not bound by form. I am of both singular and broad focus; Using no way as way; Having no limitation as limitation; Valuing “being” over “doing”. If one is content, one need not have an ideology of contentment. If one loves, one need not have an ideology of love.

We are all going through the crucible, but we will come out the other side. We always rise again from our own ashes. Everything returns again in its changed form. Some simply become something beyond form.

It's been a while...

It’s been forever since I’ve written on here, but with the year winding down, I figure it’s as good a time to reflect as any. And given that I’m suffering from an extreme case of jet lag induced insomnia, even better.

This past year has been fraught with, well, I’m not quite sure what to call it. It’s definitely been a year of ups and downs, with plenty of big changes, but also plenty of things staying the same. I had my first year of medical school this year. It’s been really rewarding finally being on the path I’ve always wanted to be on. Of course, it’s hardly been easy. I’ve learned a lot about myself through the course, names what I’m good at, what I need to work on, where the gaps in my knowledge are, and I’ve been working at developing my own style and approach to medicine. I’ve met some really interesting people too. My classmates come from all different kinds of backgrounds, and I’ve learned just as much from them as I have from my classes. I’d like to think I get along well with everyone I’ve met so far. Overall, as much as it may stress me out, confuse me, or make me want to rip my hair out at times, medical school is easily the best decision I’ve ever made.

While I’ve been able to find some stability with school, my personal life is as up in the air as it’s ever been. Love still seems to be just beyond my grasp, even though I’ve tried different approaches and mindsets in trying to find it. I tried internet dating, but the websites I used were full of crazies and really superficial girls. Those that seemed alright never replied to my messages, so all in all, that venture was a bit of a failure. Looking deeper within myself, I think part of me is still clinging on to the blind hope that, for all intents and purposes, really tore me apart and threw me for a loop the past couple years. That being said, I care for this person so much, and I have so much love for them, that I can’t help but hold out for that one more chance, that hope against hope. I’ve tried to get over her, but try as I might, that little part of my heart that I’ve attempted to cage up and push into a back corner just keeps raging out of control and taking over. But now it’s at a point to where I think I may be strong enough to seal away that piece of my heart for good, but I just want to give it one more chance. I just want to offer my heart one more time. Guess that’s just my tenacious nature. My heart’s been broken, trampled, dragged through the mud, and essentially crushed into dust, but somehow there’s just enough left for me to pick myself up and, against all logic, advice, and common sense, dive straight in again. Odds are I’ll be left holding the pieces of my heart in my hands again, but something just drives me to try.

It’s funny how these things work out. How, the more things change, the more they stay the same. But sometimes I think that changes, especially big changes, force us to look at things with a new perspective. Change allows us to notice the things that don’t change. These can be bad things like friends who really aren’t very good friends, or bad habits. These can be good things like noticing someone who’s always been there that you may have taken a bit for granted, or noticing that you’ve always had a trait that you had aspired to gain. All it really is is a change of frame. When your frame of reference shifts, then certain things stand out. It’s really quite a strange phenomenon. On top of that, it can also lead us to learn truths about ourselves, how we feel, what we think, what we value. Of course, none of it counts for anything if we don’t take the time to slow down and really look around a bit and think about what we see. Otherwise, we could end up missing opportunities, miss realizing our true feelings, or miss out on making realizations that would really improve our lives.

With this past year, I’ve experienced some of my highest highs and lowest lows. All the changes have given me moments of clarity to discover more about myself than I ever imagined possible. I’ve found that I’m much more opinionated than I originally thought, and that I’ve got the assertiveness to stand by those opinions. I’ve realized some of the bad influences in my life whose impact I will do my best to reduce. I’ve become stronger in my ability to cope with adversity, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Also, over the past year, I’ve come to grips with the depression that was hanging over me. It still rears its ugly head every now and then, I just know how to fight it.

That all being said, with all of the change this year, one thing I still know for sure is that, despite how much I’ve been hurt in the past, and despite how hopeless things may seem at times, I still believe in love. I may be built like a fighter, but love is what drives me. It is where I draw my strength to care for the people around me, it is where I find the capacity to forgive, and it is what makes me do what I do well. I’ll close this entry with a quote I know I have used at least once before, but it is one that speaks to me on a level that I cannot describe.

“If only we try to live sincerely, it will go well with us, even though we are certain to experience real sorrow, and great disappointments, and also will probably commit great faults and do wrong things, but it certainly is true, that it is better to be high-spirited, even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent. It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love, is done well.”

-Vincent van Gogh

Enough

I’ve been out here in New Zealand waiting for my student visa for the past two weeks. Since I’m not here on vacation, I’ve had to be pretty careful about saving money and living on a shoestring budget. It’s left me with a lot of time to think and continue the re-evaluation of my life that I’ve been doing for the past two months. As much as things have been slowly getting better for me, I still have some apprehension about taking some steps. Part of it is me not being sure if it’s truly the right thing to do, the other part is me being apprehensive about taking the needed steps if it turns out that they are the right steps to take.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been surrounded by people who don’t care, are looking to take advantage of me, or fair-weather friends. What it all adds up to is me being left on my own when things go really badly, when I need people the most. And all I can do is hope to weather the storm and be able to pick up the pieces, and basically start all over.

It used to be that I’d rather be surrounded by people I don’t like or don’t care about rather than spend time alone. Looking back on it, it really was pretty pathetic. To think that my loneliness had gotten to that point, it makes me sad and it makes me wonder how I could have let things get to that point. It’s mind-boggling how far I’ve fallen, and now I need to rise higher than I ever have. I need to come back, and I have to do it myself, because right now I know I haven’t got anyone who really believes in me and will have my back one hundred percent.

The main thing I’m worried about is that I don’t want to lose myself. I need to limit my contact with people who aren’t good for my life, but at the same time, I don’t want to turn cold and just turn my back on people who may need me. I need to be more careful about the people I let into my life. It’s going to be a long road for sure, and odds are I’m going to have to spend a lot of that time alone. But I’m sick of feeling this way, and I need to make some positive changes.

Odds are pretty good that I’m going to end up burning some bridges. Even if they’re not aware of it, there’s some people that aren’t very good for my life that I just need to distance myself from. I’ve just got to take a stand. Just got to set my course and stay true to it, plain and simple.

“Still ending, and beginning still.”

- William Cooper

Stray

A while back I was thinking, searching for something to equate my life to. I came up with the image of a stray. Cat, dog, it doesn’t matter. Imagine a stray with a collar but no tag. A stray that was once owned but has since been abandoned, left without a home and without a name. You pass by it as you’re walking home, and you stop to pet it. If you’ve got some food on you, you may even feed it a bit. You can’t help but like it, but eventually you have to leave. You walk past the same area for the next couple days, seeing the stray every time. You spend some time with it, feed it a bit if you’ve got something on you, then continue on your way. Sometimes when you’re feeling a bit down, you pass by to spend some time with the stray, enjoying the unconditional companionship and closeness. Then, once things get better again, you only stop to see it when you remember it. Either way, it’s always happy to see you, and you enjoy its company. And even though its eyes beg you not to leave, you’ve either had enough and start off on your way, or something more important comes up and you have to go. Eventually, you hit a point in your life where things are going well and even though you think of it every now and then, you can’t be bothered to take the time to go check on it. After a while, things hit a lull and you decide to drop by to check on the stray. When you get to where you usually, see it, it’s nowhere to be found. Whether it found a home, moved on to someplace else, or maybe it died, you wonder about it for a moment, then quickly forget about it.

That’s essentially what my life boils down to. I make some friends here and there, and we have some good times. But ultimately, I’m left behind for people they’d rather be around, or things develop in their lives and they don’t need me anymore.  So, I’m left, broken hearted at first, but over time getting used to the feeling. And ultimately, all I can do is survive as best I can. When you’re alone for such a long time, you learn to deal with it. I can’t say that all my methods of coping have been healthy, but I get by. Occasionally, you find someone that you think – that you hope – will be different. Ultimately though, you see it coming a mile away, and you find yourself on your own again. Basically, people want me around when they need me, but no one wants to keep me. I want – no, I need – someone to give enough of a damn to want to keep me.

A while back I decided that I wouldn’t care anymore what people thought of me. If they just want to use me, fine. If I’m just there to keep them entertained until something better comes along, fine. At this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. As much as it saddens me, loneliness has become ingrained as a part of my life. Funny thing about loneliness is, the longer it goes on, the more it eats away at everything good, everything soft, everything warm in you until all that’s left is a shell full of negativity with a gaping hole in it. I’m doing everything I can to keep that from happening, but things still trickle away. It’s gotten to the point where I have to think hard before asking people for help for fear of bringing them down with me. I won’t let other people risk the good things in their lives just so I can fill a gap in my own soul.

A long time ago, people made wagers on how long I would live. Some said 18, others said 24, others said 26, and a few said 30. I’ve got 2 years, 2 months, and 83 days until I beat the last wager. Sometimes I wonder who I’ll be at that point, or how much of me is left. I wonder who I’ll meet, who I’ll know, and who I’ll lose. In the end though, as much as I’ve tried to keep on hoping that there are better things to come, I just can’t see them anymore.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Apathy is when you would do nothing for someone. Love is when you would do anything.”

- Anonymous

Become Who You Are

“Become Who You Are”. I was in the shower the other day, and I took a long look at my tattoo and pondered over the meaning of the quote on my arm. To be able to become who you are, you first have to discover who you are. You have to know what you stand for. You have to know why you do the things you do.  

So who am I? Well, I’m not perfect, that’s for sure, but I’m not special. I have my issues, just like anyone else. I hold very steadfast to some values. I’m intelligent and resourceful, moreso than probably anyone any of my friends know. I try to be compassionate and sympathetic, and I never get angry. The question is, what does all this add up to?

Over time and through my own experiences, I’ve come to realize that I’m the kind of person people sometimes need. I’m a shoulder to cry on, someone who’ll listen, or just someone to hang out with. Best part of that for other people is that when they don’t need me anymore, they can just walk away. I can’t even begin to count the number of people I’ve helped through tough times who have subsequently forgotten about me once those tough time were over. I get led on, I get taken for granted, and I just let it happen. It’s not that I enjoy it, or that I feel like I’m not worth keeping as a friend or anything like that. To be honest it feels terrible to be a friend to someone, to comfort them, to make them laugh, to be there when they need you, and to turn around and next thing you know they won’t even give you the time of day. 

The main thing for me is that my conscience is clear. I’ve done my part. I’ve been as good a friend as I can, I’ve made sacrifices, and I’ve been hurt and kept with it. In the end, I know in my mind that I’ve done the right thing. I may not be happy, but I’m content in the knowledge that I tried to be a good turn in people’s lives. I don’t know what life holds for me, and I don’t know what I deserve, but I know who I am. As it stands, I’m the guy everyone needs, but no one wants. I’m the one that people can depend on to still be standing when everything else is falling around them. I’m looking for something or someone, but I’m lost on the far side of the world. I’ve lived in many places, but never been able to call any of them home. I’m a wonder at people’s disposal that they don’t have to appreciate. I’ll keep going and going until I’m broken beyond repair. And until someone comes and claims me, I belong to everyone but myself.

They say you don’t know how much something means to you until it’s gone. But what about when you leave it behind? Here’s another thing to think about. You often don’t know how much you mean to someone. Think about what you share with your friends, and think about what they really mean to you. Turn the tables on yourself.

While everything I’ve written may sound good and fine, the reason I’m writing this is because I don’t know how much I’ve got left in the tank. While I do take joy in helping people, in seeing their smiling faces, living each day in misery and loneliness is getting to be too much. Everyone has doubts, but they people can get past their doubts because they love themselves. I’ve got doubts like anyone else, but even after everything I’ve done I still hate myself. And as much as I want to lean on my friends, I either can’t bring myself to do it because in the back of my mind is a ticker waiting for the time when they leave me behind, or I don’t want to bring them down with me. Maybe I’m already too broken. Maybe there’s no one that can put me back together. If that’s the case, maybe it’s best to let myself tick down like a watch someone’s forgotten to wind. I’m in a bad way, and I’d never forgive myself if I took anyone down with me.

I’m going to close this entry with a quote from one of my favorite TV shows. It’s one that’s kept me going for a while, and it’s a nice reminder to appreciate the good things in life.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”

- The Doctor

Just another day (and night) in the life...

Another night spent alone in my apartment contemplating life. Things in my head have been really up and down lately. I was in a really bad way last week, and this week I’ve been slowly trying to pick up the pieces. Needless to say, it’s been really rough going. I came to realize that while I’m popular in the sense that people generally like me, I’m not in the sense that people don’t necessarily want me around. I don’t get invited to events, I don’t get called up just to hang out. I’m just kind of in the background, there if needed, ignored if not. Not to say that popularity is everything, but I think everyone has an innate desire to feel wanted, or at the very least appreciated.

I admit, I have abandonment issues. Sometimes it feels like people string me along because they feel sorry for me, or like it’s some kind of obligation. I get invited places and then left to fend for myself. It really makes me feel like I’m a burden on my friends’ lives, or like I’m a toy that’s there to be played with and then left on the floor, and it’s not a feeling I like. I’m probably just blowing things out of proportion in my head, but I can’t help what my life has made me. I’ve been trying to get over this, to change this wiring in my brain that results in panic attacks followed by a feeling of loneliness so deep that it makes me wish I could cry to at least have some sort of release.

For now, all I can do is try to endure it. Every day, the lock I wear around my neck feels heavier. Every time a panic attack leaves me collapsed on the floor with my sides on fire, all I can do is claw my way back up to my feet and press on. Every night that I lie awake wondering whether or not I want to wake up the next morning, I decide to hope that tomorrow will be better. It’s funny, because so many people come to me for help, asking for advice in dealing with relationships and whatnot. But every night as I’m sitting in my apartment, staring at the ceiling wishing I had someone to spend time with or talk to, I sometimes laugh to myself how all these people are so stressed out over their relationships but don’t actually realize how lucky they are to have them.

I’ll close this entry with a quote by Joseph Conrad from his book Under Western Eyes:

“Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves, it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.”

Up up and away

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Things have been moving all over the place. Between school starting up, preparing for my medical school entrance exam, and stuff in my personal life, I’ve been fairly scatterbrained lately. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes I need to just stop what I’m doing and take a step back in order to let the dust settle. Like my mind’s a snow globe that someone’s just shaken up.

I’ll start with the professional stuff. School’s just started up and I’ve been working on my graduate research project. Between that, being overloaded on classes because I need to take prerequisites for medical school, and getting ready for my exam, I’m on the brink of pulling my hair out most of the time. Only thing that keeps me sane is remembering why I’m putting myself through all this. I’m doing it to fulfill a dream and to become what I know I can be. I’ve finally gotten a second chance at this, and I’m doing everything I can not to waste it. It may be taking a heavy toll on me, but to me, it’s worth it.

Speaking of things taking a toll, my personal life is so topsy-turvy right now that I don’t know what to make of it. It’s really got me going out of my mind. Things seem to be going well, but that little voice in the back of my head is waiting for the penny to drop. Meanwhile, I can’t even buy advice from the people I confide in, with more than one actually enjoying the situation, saying that no matter the outcome, it’ll at least be fun for them. It’s got me wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. As resolute as I am in what I’m doing with my professional life, I’m equally baffled with my personal life. The one thing I will say though, is that she believes in me. That’s so huge for me right now that words can’t even begin to describe it. She’s stuck with me through thick and thin, and that’s something I can never being to repay. It just reinforces in my mind why I’m in love with her. That she’s willing to accept me for my weaknesses and my strengths, it makes me feel free. And I’m willing to accept her for all of her strengths and weaknesses too. After all, if I can’t handle being with her at her worst, then I don’t deserve to be with her at her best.

And yet, that nagging feeling in the back of my head just keeps waiting for that damned penny to drop. I feel like I’m all in, all my chips on the table, waiting for the opposing player to flip his cards. I’m fully committed, professionally and personally. It seems like there’s no turning back, not that I really have anything to turn back to. The best I can do for now is to believe in myself and to believe in her, and believe that things will turn out for the best. I’m hanging onto my balloon, too low to be where I want to be, but too high to let go and fall safely. It’s that feeling that this coming year will make or break me. Here’s hoping that if I break I’ll be able to pick up the pieces.

As is tradition, I’ll close this entry with a quote. It was one that I found on a friend’s facebook page, and upon reading it, it seemed rather poignant:

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one.”

-Douglas Coupland