Enough

I’ve been out here in New Zealand waiting for my student visa for the past two weeks. Since I’m not here on vacation, I’ve had to be pretty careful about saving money and living on a shoestring budget. It’s left me with a lot of time to think and continue the re-evaluation of my life that I’ve been doing for the past two months. As much as things have been slowly getting better for me, I still have some apprehension about taking some steps. Part of it is me not being sure if it’s truly the right thing to do, the other part is me being apprehensive about taking the needed steps if it turns out that they are the right steps to take.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been surrounded by people who don’t care, are looking to take advantage of me, or fair-weather friends. What it all adds up to is me being left on my own when things go really badly, when I need people the most. And all I can do is hope to weather the storm and be able to pick up the pieces, and basically start all over.

It used to be that I’d rather be surrounded by people I don’t like or don’t care about rather than spend time alone. Looking back on it, it really was pretty pathetic. To think that my loneliness had gotten to that point, it makes me sad and it makes me wonder how I could have let things get to that point. It’s mind-boggling how far I’ve fallen, and now I need to rise higher than I ever have. I need to come back, and I have to do it myself, because right now I know I haven’t got anyone who really believes in me and will have my back one hundred percent.

The main thing I’m worried about is that I don’t want to lose myself. I need to limit my contact with people who aren’t good for my life, but at the same time, I don’t want to turn cold and just turn my back on people who may need me. I need to be more careful about the people I let into my life. It’s going to be a long road for sure, and odds are I’m going to have to spend a lot of that time alone. But I’m sick of feeling this way, and I need to make some positive changes.

Odds are pretty good that I’m going to end up burning some bridges. Even if they’re not aware of it, there’s some people that aren’t very good for my life that I just need to distance myself from. I’ve just got to take a stand. Just got to set my course and stay true to it, plain and simple.

“Still ending, and beginning still.”

- William Cooper