It's been a while...

It’s been forever since I’ve written on here, but with the year winding down, I figure it’s as good a time to reflect as any. And given that I’m suffering from an extreme case of jet lag induced insomnia, even better.

This past year has been fraught with, well, I’m not quite sure what to call it. It’s definitely been a year of ups and downs, with plenty of big changes, but also plenty of things staying the same. I had my first year of medical school this year. It’s been really rewarding finally being on the path I’ve always wanted to be on. Of course, it’s hardly been easy. I’ve learned a lot about myself through the course, names what I’m good at, what I need to work on, where the gaps in my knowledge are, and I’ve been working at developing my own style and approach to medicine. I’ve met some really interesting people too. My classmates come from all different kinds of backgrounds, and I’ve learned just as much from them as I have from my classes. I’d like to think I get along well with everyone I’ve met so far. Overall, as much as it may stress me out, confuse me, or make me want to rip my hair out at times, medical school is easily the best decision I’ve ever made.

While I’ve been able to find some stability with school, my personal life is as up in the air as it’s ever been. Love still seems to be just beyond my grasp, even though I’ve tried different approaches and mindsets in trying to find it. I tried internet dating, but the websites I used were full of crazies and really superficial girls. Those that seemed alright never replied to my messages, so all in all, that venture was a bit of a failure. Looking deeper within myself, I think part of me is still clinging on to the blind hope that, for all intents and purposes, really tore me apart and threw me for a loop the past couple years. That being said, I care for this person so much, and I have so much love for them, that I can’t help but hold out for that one more chance, that hope against hope. I’ve tried to get over her, but try as I might, that little part of my heart that I’ve attempted to cage up and push into a back corner just keeps raging out of control and taking over. But now it’s at a point to where I think I may be strong enough to seal away that piece of my heart for good, but I just want to give it one more chance. I just want to offer my heart one more time. Guess that’s just my tenacious nature. My heart’s been broken, trampled, dragged through the mud, and essentially crushed into dust, but somehow there’s just enough left for me to pick myself up and, against all logic, advice, and common sense, dive straight in again. Odds are I’ll be left holding the pieces of my heart in my hands again, but something just drives me to try.

It’s funny how these things work out. How, the more things change, the more they stay the same. But sometimes I think that changes, especially big changes, force us to look at things with a new perspective. Change allows us to notice the things that don’t change. These can be bad things like friends who really aren’t very good friends, or bad habits. These can be good things like noticing someone who’s always been there that you may have taken a bit for granted, or noticing that you’ve always had a trait that you had aspired to gain. All it really is is a change of frame. When your frame of reference shifts, then certain things stand out. It’s really quite a strange phenomenon. On top of that, it can also lead us to learn truths about ourselves, how we feel, what we think, what we value. Of course, none of it counts for anything if we don’t take the time to slow down and really look around a bit and think about what we see. Otherwise, we could end up missing opportunities, miss realizing our true feelings, or miss out on making realizations that would really improve our lives.

With this past year, I’ve experienced some of my highest highs and lowest lows. All the changes have given me moments of clarity to discover more about myself than I ever imagined possible. I’ve found that I’m much more opinionated than I originally thought, and that I’ve got the assertiveness to stand by those opinions. I’ve realized some of the bad influences in my life whose impact I will do my best to reduce. I’ve become stronger in my ability to cope with adversity, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Also, over the past year, I’ve come to grips with the depression that was hanging over me. It still rears its ugly head every now and then, I just know how to fight it.

That all being said, with all of the change this year, one thing I still know for sure is that, despite how much I’ve been hurt in the past, and despite how hopeless things may seem at times, I still believe in love. I may be built like a fighter, but love is what drives me. It is where I draw my strength to care for the people around me, it is where I find the capacity to forgive, and it is what makes me do what I do well. I’ll close this entry with a quote I know I have used at least once before, but it is one that speaks to me on a level that I cannot describe.

“If only we try to live sincerely, it will go well with us, even though we are certain to experience real sorrow, and great disappointments, and also will probably commit great faults and do wrong things, but it certainly is true, that it is better to be high-spirited, even though one makes more mistakes, than to be narrow-minded and all too prudent. It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love, is done well.”

-Vincent van Gogh