It's time...

After a couple days back in Chicago, things start to fall into perspective. The flights weren’t bad at all, and outside of a minor snafu with my luggage, everything went smoothly. I got home and settled in. My cat didn’t recognize me at first, but after a couple hours it was as if I never left. She’s sitting next to me right now. I’m usually able to avoid jet lag by sleeping at just the right time on a long flight, but this time around the people around me were too annoying and I couldn’t get to sleep. So here I sit in my room at 6 in the morning, figured I might as well do an entry.

Looking around and meeting up with old friends and acquaintances, it’s made me realize that going to Australia to study and be on my own was 100% the right choice. I’ve come a long way since I left and I think that I’ve grown a lot. I’ve become more independent, more confident, and I’m really coming into my own both personally and professionally. That being said, I think I’ve still been holding back a bit, trying to save a little part of myself in case things go badly.

Looking at where I am now, it’s time. It’s time to stop holding back, it’s time to take all the safeties off, it’s time to give everything I’ve got and fulfill my potential. I’m already set on a path towards what I want to be doing with my life, and succeed or fail, I won’t be satisfied unless I know that I did absolutely everything in my power to work towards my goals. It’s about time I took control and became the hero in the story of my life.

There are a few pieces to the puzzle when dealing with these kinds of situations. The first piece is knowing what you want. In my case, I think I’ve got that pretty much figured out, although now things have become all the more clear. The second part of this is having the drive, confidence, and patience to go for it, regardless of how long it might take or how difficult it might be. The third piece is knowing when to be selfish and knowing when to sacrifice. My self-esteem has always been my biggest issue. I was always all too willing to sacrifice; feeling like my life was worth less than anything or anyone else. Now, while I’m still more than willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of the people I care about, I think I can be a bit smarter about the sacrifice, not quite giving myself in to it as completely as before. As a result, I’ll be able to take better care of myself and survive longer.

At the end of all this, I’m still essentially the same person – my values haven’t changed. Rather, I think my approach is going to be different. By shedding all the chains that had been weighing me down, I’ll be able to fully utilize every part of myself completely, from my full range of emotions, to the absolute raw power of my mind, and even tapping into my darker natures a bit more. Things are about to get a whole lot more interesting. I'm driven, I've got more than enough ability to get where I want to in life, and most dangerous of all, I know it. We’re getting into a whole new ballgame now, and this time I’m playing for keeps.

Nice

The “nice” people. I’m one of them. It’s not always easy, but there is a sense of pride that comes with it. A while back I was browsing on Reddit and I came across a picture with this written on it:

“A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying. You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably and alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”

Obviously, this was written by a member of our population who let bitterness get the best of him. Our problem is that we care too much. We care about everyone but ourselves. Our sense of self-worth is often diminished, if not non-existent. We don’t know why we do it, and we don’t know how we do it, but we do. We feel alone, but we don’t do anything about it. It’s not that the people around us don’t care; it’s simply that they don’t have to. They can’t see us, and for the most part our existence is usually forgotten. But we’re always there, ready to give or sacrifice at the drop of a hat. Even if it’s something that ultimately hurts us, we do it. That’s just the honor code we follow.

So for all the “nice” people out there, don’t give hope, don’t let yourself get jaded, don’t let yourself get cynical. Keep doing what you’re doing and hope for the best. We may not be appreciated, we may not be noticed, but the world needs people like us. We’re the support that no one notices. We do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences to ourselves, for the sakes of others. Nice people may finish last, but we go down fighting, we make things better, we give up what we want so that others can be happy, we endure pain so others don’t have to. And for all of you who know one of these people, let them know that you appreciate them if you do. You’d be surprised as to how much it can do to help them keep going.

As hypocritical as it may sound, unfortunately time’s running out for me. My body’s giving out, and the light of hope in my soul is dying. My gut tells me that if I continue down this path, eventually I won’t be able to recover. You know what they say though, in for an inch, in for a mile. Things are going to get harder. The damage is going to be more difficult to recover from. The pain is going to be harder to ignore. I may not be able to pick myself up after getting knocked down. I may not get the chance to fulfill my dreams. I may not be able to keep all my promises. And as much as I hate losing, I may not be able to cover all my bets.

I’ll close this entry simply with a quote I found. It was a tattoo on a dead soldier in Iraq.

“For Those I Love, I Will Sacrifice”