“Become Who You Are”. I was in the shower the other day, and
I took a long look at my tattoo and pondered over the meaning of the quote on
my arm. To be able to become who you are, you first have to discover who you
are. You have to know what you stand for. You have to know why you do the
things you do.
So who am I? Well, I’m not perfect, that’s for sure, but I’m
not special. I have my issues, just like anyone else. I hold very steadfast to
some values. I’m intelligent and resourceful, moreso than probably anyone any
of my friends know. I try to be compassionate and sympathetic, and I never get
angry. The question is, what does all this add up to?
Over time and through my own experiences, I’ve come to
realize that I’m the kind of person people sometimes need. I’m a shoulder to
cry on, someone who’ll listen, or just someone to hang out with. Best part of
that for other people is that when they don’t need me anymore, they can just
walk away. I can’t even begin to count the number of people I’ve helped through
tough times who have subsequently forgotten about me once those tough time were
over. I get led on, I get taken for granted, and I just let it happen. It’s not
that I enjoy it, or that I feel like I’m not worth keeping as a friend or
anything like that. To be honest it feels terrible to be a friend to someone,
to comfort them, to make them laugh, to be there when they need you, and to
turn around and next thing you know they won’t even give you the time of day.
The main thing for me is that my conscience is clear. I’ve
done my part. I’ve been as good a friend as I can, I’ve made sacrifices, and
I’ve been hurt and kept with it. In the end, I know in my mind that I’ve done
the right thing. I may not be happy, but I’m content in the knowledge that I
tried to be a good turn in people’s lives. I don’t know what life holds for me,
and I don’t know what I deserve, but I know who I am. As it stands, I’m the guy
everyone needs, but no one wants. I’m the one that people can depend on to
still be standing when everything else is falling around them. I’m looking for
something or someone, but I’m lost on the far side of the world. I’ve lived in
many places, but never been able to call any of them home. I’m a wonder at
people’s disposal that they don’t have to appreciate. I’ll keep going and going
until I’m broken beyond repair. And until someone comes and claims me, I belong
to everyone but myself.
They say you don’t know how much something means to you
until it’s gone. But what about when you leave it behind? Here’s another thing
to think about. You often don’t know how much you mean to someone. Think about
what you share with your friends, and think about what they really mean to you.
Turn the tables on yourself.
While everything I’ve written may sound good and fine, the
reason I’m writing this is because I don’t know how much I’ve got left in the
tank. While I do take joy in helping people, in seeing their smiling faces,
living each day in misery and loneliness is getting to be too much. Everyone
has doubts, but they people can get past their doubts because they love
themselves. I’ve got doubts like anyone else, but even after everything I’ve
done I still hate myself. And as much as I want to lean on my friends, I either
can’t bring myself to do it because in the back of my mind is a ticker waiting
for the time when they leave me behind, or I don’t want to bring them down with
me. Maybe I’m already too broken. Maybe there’s no one that can put me back
together. If that’s the case, maybe it’s best to let myself tick down like a
watch someone’s forgotten to wind. I’m in a bad way, and I’d never forgive
myself if I took anyone down with me.
I’m going to close this entry with a quote from one of my
favorite TV shows. It’s one that’s kept me going for a while, and it’s a nice
reminder to appreciate the good things in life.
“The way I see
it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t
always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil
the good things and make them unimportant.”
- The Doctor
